Today I listened to an insightful episode of the Responder Resilience podcast featuring Dr. Rachelle Zemlok, a psychologist specializing in first responder family wellness. I found this conversation incredibly valuable and wanted to share the key insights with the Unpack the Bag community.
Who is Dr. Rachelle Zemlok?
Dr. Zemlok brings a unique perspective to first responder family dynamics. With two brothers in law enforcement and as a firefighter’s wife herself, she combines personal experience with professional expertise. This blend of experience led her to write The Firefighter Family Academy, a guide specifically created to help spouses prepare for the challenges of being part of a first responder family.
The Unique Challenges of First Responder Families
First responder families face distinct challenges that often go unaddressed by departments. As Dr. Zemlok explains, “We live very different lives when it comes to scheduling… my husband goes to work for 48 hours. If he gets held over it’s 72, then he’s coming back. We have young kids at home.”
These unusual schedules create a need for intentional relationship building that most standard relationship advice doesn’t address. Additionally, the first responder mentality often “bleeds over” into home life in ways that can create friction if not understood:
- Control needs: First responders are accustomed to being in charge at work and may struggle with the natural chaos of home life.
- Authority dynamics: First responders are authorities on scene… and oftentimes they will bring that into their relationships at home.
- Protective instincts: Different safety concerns emerge based on the specific profession (fire safety vs. public safety concerns).
Why Family Support Matters
One of the most compelling points Dr. Zemlok makes is about the critical role of family in first responder resilience. She notes, “As a spouse, our whole life revolves around this career. Every decision I make has ‘I got to check the schedule.'”
She explains that family stress “absolutely exacerbates first responder stress” while a supportive home environment significantly contributes to resilience. First responder spouses are often the first to notice signs of distress, yet typically receive little education about what to watch for or how to respond.
The Cost of Service and the Need for Balance
As Dr. Zemlok powerfully states, “This career, if you let it, will take everything.” The demanding nature of first responder work can consume not just professional life but personal identity, family time, and emotional capacity if proper boundaries aren’t established. Learning to set meaningful limits, develop effective communication patterns, and intentionally build support systems becomes essential for both the first responder and their loved ones. This balance doesn’t happen automatically—it requires conscious effort, mutual understanding, and often community support from others who understand the unique challenges of this lifestyle.
Creating Stronger First Responder Families
Dr. Zemlok offers several practical suggestions for building resilience:
- Intentional communication: First responders often shield their families from work details to protect them, but this can create emotional distance. Finding appropriate ways to share experiences is crucial.
- Managing transitions: The shift from work to home environment requires conscious effort and understanding from both partners.
- Building community: Creating connections with other first responder families provides invaluable support.
Why Departmental Support Often Misses the Mark
Many departments attempt to address family needs through a single “Family Day” during academy training, but Dr. Zemlok points out the fundamental flaws in this approach:
- Timing disconnects: Many recruits aren’t married or partnered when they enter the academy, so family days primarily reach parents rather than future spouses who will most need the support.
- One-and-done mentality: Departments often provide a single orientation without ongoing support or connection points for families who join later.
- No follow-up mechanism: “You can’t just do one thing. How are you capturing the spouses that come in? How are you capturing the second marriage spouses that come in?” Dr. Zemlok asks, pointing to the need for continuous engagement.
- Lack of spouse-to-spouse connections: The military model of family support recognizes the critical importance of peer connections among spouses, while first responder departments rarely facilitate these relationships.
Resources for First Responder Families
Dr. Zemlok has created numerous resources specifically for first responder families:
- Her book: The Firefighter Family Academy
- Private practice: First Responder Family Psychology (California-based)
- “Code Three Families” podcast for spouses
Final Thoughts
What struck me most about this conversation was Dr. Zemlok’s observation that many first responder families are “all recreating the wheel” when much of this knowledge could be shared proactively. By understanding the unique dynamics of first responder family life, we can better support those who support our emergency services personnel.
As she powerfully states, “This career, if you let it, will take everything.” Learning to set boundaries, communicate effectively, and build support systems is essential for both the first responder and their loved ones.
Watch the full interview with Dr. Rachelle Zemlok on the Responder Resilience podcast here: Family First: Building Resilience at Home with Dr. Rachelle Zemlok | S5 E17
What strategies have you found helpful in supporting the first responders in your life? Share your thoughts in the comments below.