As a first responder, you carry more than just your gear. Each call, each scene, each life-changing moment adds weight to an invisible bag you carry—your emotional and psychological burden. But what if the goal isn’t to completely unpack this bag? What if, instead, it’s about learning to carry it differently?
The Weight You Carry
As a first responder, your “bag” started filling long before you put on the uniform. Like everyone else, you were handed this invisible backpack in childhood. But unlike many others, your chosen profession adds layers of weight that most civilians never experience.
Think of every call you’ve responded to as a stone. Some are pebbles—routine calls that barely register. Others are boulders—the calls that wake you at night, the faces you can’t forget, the moments that changed you forever.
Susan Farren, in her powerful observation on the Resiliency 1st Podcast, puts it this way: “You’re not supposed to unpack the bag. It’s yours to carry. You just have to learn how to rearrange things.”
This perspective challenges the common notion that you need to “get over” or “move past” traumatic experiences. Instead, it acknowledges a fundamental truth about first responder life: these experiences become part of who you are, but they don’t have to define you.
This means recognizing that some stones you carry aren’t serving you anymore:
- The call that went wrong five years ago
- The person you couldn’t save
- The moment you wish you’d handled differently
- The accumulated weight of “what-ifs”
Personal Stones: The Weight Beyond the Badge
It’s also important to remember that the stones in your bag include much more than the calls you’ve gone on. They are the stones of life—childhood hurts, relationship struggles, family conflicts. These personal stones can make your professional load even heavier if left unexamined. They are also often the stones that are the hardest to carry.
Some stones might be decades old, picked up in childhood or your teenage years. As you sort through them, you might be surprised to find yourself still carrying something from thirty years ago. Maybe it’s guilt over a past mistake, resentment towards a family member, or shame about something that seemed enormous then but looks different through adult eyes.
These personal stones often interact with your professional experiences in unexpected ways. A difficult childhood might make certain calls harder to process. Past relationship trauma could affect how you connect with colleagues or handle emotional situations on the job.
The key is recognizing that these personal stones, unlike many professional experiences, can often be fully released. They’ve served their purpose—teaching you resilience, compassion, or survival—but continuing to carry them only depletes the energy you need for your demanding profession.
Learning to Rearrange
Your experiences or baggage don’t have to completely define you or weigh you down. Instead, you need to find ways to manage it and carry it with you in a healthier, less burdensome way, by learning coping mechanisms and adapting your perspective on it.
Hannah Brencher offers another insightful perspective: “We all have a bag. We all pack differently. Some of us are traveling light. Some of us are secret hoarders who’ve never parted with a memory in our lives. I think we are all called to figure out how to carry our bag to the best of our ability, how to unpack it, and how to face the mess. I think part of growing up is learning how to sit down on the floor with all your things and figuring out what to take with you and what to leave behind.“
As a first responder, your bag includes both personal and professional stones. The key isn’t to empty it completely—these experiences have shaped your expertise and instincts. Instead, consider:
- Examining each stone’s weight
- Understanding its lesson
- Deciding if it still serves your growth
- Rearranging it to distribute the weight more evenly
Moving Forward
Your professional experiences require a different approach than personal baggage. While you might be able to completely release some personal stones, professional experiences often need to be integrated rather than discarded. They’re part of your training, your instincts, your professional wisdom.
As Matt Hogan wisely notes in Inner Work, “Focus more of your time/energy on growing the new than you do on removing the old.” Rather than trying to eliminate or forget past experiences, focus on:
- Building new support systems
- Developing stronger coping mechanisms
- Creating healthy boundaries between work and personal life
- Learning from each experience without being weighed down by it
Taking the Next Step
Your experiences as a first responder are valuable, even the difficult ones. They’ve shaped you, taught you, and made you who you are. The goal isn’t to empty your bag but to rearrange it—to carry it in a way that allows you to continue serving while maintaining your own wellbeing.
Start with the heaviest stones first. Take each one out, examine it in the light:
- What did this experience teach you?
- How has it made you better at your job?
- What wisdom can you extract from it?
- Does carrying its full weight still serve you?
Once you’ve learned what you need from it, you don’t have to carry the full weight anymore. You can keep the lesson while releasing the burden
Moving Forward with a Lighter Load
Remember, as a first responder, you’ll continue to accumulate new experiences. That’s part of the job. But by regularly examining and rearranging your bag, you can prevent these new experiences from becoming crushing weights.
Your experiences—both personal and professional—have made you who you are. They’ve shaped your abilities, your instincts, and your capacity to help others. The goal isn’t to empty your bag completely, but as Farren suggests, to learn how to carry it in a way that makes you stronger.
Taking Action
If you’re struggling with a heavy bag, consider working with a mental health professional who specializes in first responder experiences. They can help you develop specific strategies for:
- Processing difficult calls
- Managing traumatic memories
- Developing healthy coping mechanisms
- Learning to carry your experiences without being buried by them
Remember, seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a strategic decision to maintain your effectiveness and wellbeing in a demanding profession.